If I Knew Then What I Know Now

Well here goes……my first post, diary entry, vent…whatever you want to call it.

I have been toying with the idea for years about writing a blog about my journey as a single parent but didn’t. Why? There are so many blogs about parenting already. What purpose is there in sharing my story? What ‘nuggets of wisdom’ have I got that may make a difference, to someone else? My writing is crap. I don’t like feeling vulnerable. You name it, I had all the reasons in the world not to but the main reason I didn’t was because I simply didn’t have the head space to put finger to keyboard.

Don’t get me wrong. Life is still fucking hard (sorry I do swear a bit but I read somewhere that swearing is a sign of intelligence and I am good with that) but I have come to a point where I realised that I need an outlet. A place I can ‘vomit on the page’, so to speak and as so many journaling gurus proport, I hope this will help me better understand myself and this crazy dynamic world we live in today, whilst trying to raise three little humans to be kind, capable and happy.

My parenting journey started 16 and a half years ago. I was in a job I absolutely loved. High flying, earning a great salary and really making a difference. But then that elusive thing called the biological clock (that I hasten to add I thought was a load of crap) well and truly hit me. I became pregnant, only to have, what they call a ‘missed miscarriage’. It was devastating and truly burst my bubble of pregnancy bliss. I spent a life time of not wanting to get pregnant and then got hit like what felt like, a steam train of reality – getting pregnant and staying pregnant isn’t as easy as you think. A year later, having continued to excel in my job, I became pregnant again. This time however the ignorance of pregnancy was gone and I was cautious, weary…..was it something I did? Am I not meant to have children? Considering I never wanted children and was adamant about that, this was a whole new way of being. 42 weeks from conception, I was induced and out of my vagina, popped my most beautiful, amazing daughter. I will never forget looking down at her and pondering in awe at the fact that my body created and grew this amazing human being inside my body. I was struck with wonder and from that very moment I realised that I couldn’t go back to work. That I wanted to be a parent. That I wanted to be involved in every. single. step that this little human was going to take on her path to being. My aspirations in my job disappeared and my desire to continue to strive to be the pinnacle in my work morphed into wanting to be the biggest cheerleader for child, to help her become the best she could and wanted to be.

At that time, I was fortunate enough to be able to stop working. Yes I lost a damn good monthly income, yes I was no longer seen as an immensely competent HR person but none of that mattered anymore. I only had eyes for my daughter. She was/is my everything. She is my wonderful and I feel beyond lucky to be her mother.

A year later I discovered I was pregnant with my second child. Not unanticipated because I didn’t want my first born to be a single child but shocked at how quickly I became pregnant, having suffered a miscarriage. Boom, my son was born. 1 day later than the due date (I was spared being induced this time round) and another speedy delivery – 4 and a bit hours and another astounding moment of awe that I was able to create such an amazing human being, again. I did go through what so many mothers do (I think) of wondering how can I love another child as much as my first but I did and do!! My own mortality became a great source of worry. What if something happens to me? Who will look after my babies? I want to be there for their milestones – first step, first college, first boyfriend or girlfriend……you name it, the worry was immense and after a visit to the doctors I realised this was all a part of being parent. I should have realised then that my rose tinted glasses of parenthood were just that! Rose tinted!

Two years later, l discovered I was pregnant again. I remember the midwife saying to me, “you are already juggling 2 balls, another wont make a difference”. She lied! I only have 2 pairs of hands and at the time I didn’t know that my daughter had ASD with a PDA profile (why would I? she was my first and I had nothing to compare her with?) I also didn’t anticipate that I would end up single parenting my 3 but you know what………with all the trials and tribulations that we have gone through, I can hand on heart say I wouldn’t have it any other way. I would give up my life for my children. They are everything to me and through it all, they have taught me so so much about the world and way we view it.

In my darkest days, they have been my anchor. They have shown me how to look at things differently and most importantly, they have shown me that compassion wins!!! I’ve done good, I think. We are by no means perfect and we still have so so many challenges that we are working our way through but as they get older I can see that they are fundamentally kind, that they are decent human being and that is a good thing in this ‘compassion fatigued’ world we live in today!

This blog is about me offloading, in the hope that I can be a better person/mother to my children. There will be some of you that will disagree with me, that will think I am an unfit parent but it isn’t about me saying this is the right way or the wrong way, it is about me being open and honest about how hard it is to be a parent. Having a SEN child in the midst of what is already one of the hardest roles to full fill, it is one of the steepest learning curve you will come across.

You may glean nothing from reading my entries. In fact you may only have contempt for my words but I am not trying to enforce my views or opinions. I am just venting in the hope that my ‘journaling’ helps me to be better at introspection, so that I can be a better parent. So if you don’t like what you are reading, don’t be unkind, don’t be nasty, just leave this page and move on in the world however suits you best. We all do what we can, to the best of our abilities, with the resources and knowledge we have at that moment in time. It might be right, it might be wrong and that is where hindsight is such a bastard because with hindsight most of us would have done it differently.