If I Knew Then What I Know Now

It’s hard. Really, really hard. Every part of you is devoted to keeping your child safe. Focused on the good things in life, and ultimately, keeping them alive. You think you are breaking through the walls they’ve built, only to be struck by a comment, that makes you realize you haven’t broken through at all. You’re just managing the situation. The fight-or-flight mode is a constant, heart-wrenching reality. Staying positive is a monumental task, especially when all you want is for them to see their potential, to recognize what they’re capable of, and to know they are so, so loved with every fiber of your being.

What deepens the sadness is connecting with others who share the same grief, challenges, and battle for survival—for their child, for themselves, and for their family. You watch other families who seem so together, who go on holidays, have fun, and laugh. It brings back the dream you had of being a united, loving family that works, learns, and enjoys life together—a dream that now feels completely out of reach.

A friend of mine, going through similar circumstances, once said, “We just have to keep going.” I despise that statement with every part of me. I’ve been that person. Saying it too many times, even when I felt so broken that I couldn’t find the pieces of myself, let alone put them back together. But that’s what we do—we keep going. And it’s beyond hard.

To those who “keep going,” I stand beside you. You’re not alone. It’s okay to acknowledge your brokenness, to feel like you can’t keep going. We are all human. And I am here, right beside you.